Aircraft

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My wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
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Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Springfield because of bad weather. Thank goodness the kids weren't with her.
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The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
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The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
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She was really lucky.
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Southern Wisdom

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One morning three Alabama good Old boys and three Yankees were in a ticket line at the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta for a big football game.

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The three Northerners each bough a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket between them.

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'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Yankees.

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'Watch and Learn,' answered one of the boys from the South.

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When the six travelers boarded the train, the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

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Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.

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He knocked on the bathroom door and said, 'Ticket, please.' The door opened just a crack adn a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

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The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that htey decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

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That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.

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'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

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'Watch and learn,' answered one of the Southern boys.

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When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the three Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.

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Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'

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A Pre-school Test

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I already knew I was dumber than the fifth graders, now it's the preschoolers turn!!?? A PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU Which way is the bus below traveling? To the left or to the right?

Can't make up your mind? Look carefully at the picture again.
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Still don't know?
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Pre-schoolers all over the United States were shown this picture asked the same question. 90% of the pre-schooler's gave this answer. 'The bus is traveling to the left.' When asked, 'Why do you think the bus is traveling to the left?' They answered:
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'Because you can't see the door to get on the bus.'

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The Next Survivor Series

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Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

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Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

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There is no fast food.

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Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

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In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

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Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time--no Emailing.

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Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

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He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

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He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

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Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

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The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

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The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

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During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

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They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

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They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

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A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

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The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If there is a winner, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18 years eventually earning the right To be called Mother!

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Luke AFB

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Luke AFB is west of Phoenix and is rapidly being surrounded by civilization that complains about the noise from the base and its planes, forgetting that it was there long before they were.

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A certain lieutenant colonel at Luke AFB deserves a big pat on the back. Apparently, an individual who lives somewhere near Luke AFB wrote the local paper complaining about a group of F-16s that disturbed his/her day at the mall. When that individual read the response from a Luke AFB officer, it must have stung quite a bit.

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The complaint:

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'Question of the day for Luke Air Force Base: Whom do we thank for the morning air show? Last Wednesday, at precisely 9:11 a.m., a tight formation of four F-16 jets made a low pass over Arrowhead Mall, continuing west over Bell Road at approximately 500 feet. Imagine our good fortune! Do the Tom Cruise-wannabes feel we need this wake-up call, or were they trying to impress the cashiers at Mervyns early bird special? Any response would be appreciated.

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The response: Regarding 'A wake-up call from Luke's jets' (Letters, Thursday):

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On June 15, at precisely 9:12 a.m., a perfectly timed four-ship flyby of F-16s from the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base flew over the grave of Capt. Jeremy Fresques.. Capt. Fresques was an Air Force officer who was previously stationed at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial Day.

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At 9 a.m. on June 15, his family and friends gathered at Sunland Memorial Park in Sun City to mourn the loss of a husband, son and friend. Based on the letter writer's recount of the flyby, and because of the jet noise, I'm sure you didn't hear the 21-gun salute, the playing of taps, or my words to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques as I gave them their son's flag on behalf of the President of the United States and all those veterans and servicemen and women who understand the sacrifices they have endured.

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A four-ship flyby is a display of respect the Air Force pays to those who give their lives in defense of freedom. We are professional aviators and take our jobs seriously, and on June 15 what the letter writer witnessed was four officers lining up to pay their ultimate respects.

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The letter writer asks, 'Whom do we thank for the morning air show?' The 56th Fighter Wing will make the call for you, and forward your thanks to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques, and thank them for you, for it was in their honor that my pilots flew the most honorable formation of their lives.

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Lt. Col. Grant L. Rosensteel, Jr.

USAF

Southerners

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Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.
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Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"
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Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"
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Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

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Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

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Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

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Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

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Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

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Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

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Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham

Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with Momma's homemade jelly
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Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

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Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

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Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

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Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

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More Suthen-ism's:

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Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
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Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
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Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
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Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
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Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
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All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
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Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potat O salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
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Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
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Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and Po white trash.
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No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
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A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
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Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. And when we're "in line" we talk to everybody!
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Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
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In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
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Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
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Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
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When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
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Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." “Sweet tea” indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
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And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart"... And go your own way.
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To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
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And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
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And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front por ch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

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Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!
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Catholic Education and a #2 Pencil

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The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.
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Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she sleptthrough the class (a little afternoon humor). One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
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'Tell me Little Susie, who created the universe?'
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When Little Susie didn't stir, Little Johnny who was her friend sittingbehind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
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'God Almighty!' shouted Little Susie.
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The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
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A little later the Nun asked Little Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
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But Little Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Little Johnnycame to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
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'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
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And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
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The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
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Again, Little Johnny came to the rescue.
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This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in meone more time, I'll BREAK it in half!'
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The Nun fainted...
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